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The Person I am Becoming

October 24, 2016 by Sara Schmidt

The death of my daughter, Adela, has changed me to the core. Every aspect of my being, who I am, what I believe in, is being challenged. I sometimes wonder if this unique position of self-reflection is in fact a gift from Adela, and I wonder about the kind of person she would want me to be.

There are times where I catch glimpses of the person I used to be, and I wonder if I will ever get her back. I have to believe that parts of the “before me” will eventually come back and be integrated into the person I am becoming, just perhaps in a different form. I imagine that I will have a new perspective on life; my patience and thoughtfulness will reemerge; my empathy will have a deeper level to it; my ability to love will be fierce; and my strength and bravery will encompass my entire life. I was a private person before and while I still identify as such, I have found myself sharing parts of myself with the world that I never imagined I would. I wonder about the person I am becoming.

I am surprised by how the beauty in the world has been magnified since Adela died. It is as if I am seeing things for the first time, noticing parts of the world that I took for granted before. Colors are so vibrant and there is new light amid the darkness, not all of the time, but for more and more moments every day. While I do not yet know who I will become, I believe this light that I am seeing is my baby girl, of this one thing I am sure.